So where to start….
Over the last few weeks things have been a struggle, not just a ‘I don’t know what to have for dinner’ kinda struggle, but a ‘I don’t want to leave the house for the foreseeable future’ kinda struggle.
I failed an exam on top of being really sick a few weeks back and it literally sucked the life out of me. All I wanted was to close my door and curl up in a ball and for everybody (and I mean everybody) to forget I even existed.
Now that’s a strange one, because I can go from one extreme to the other, from wanting people to forget about me to wanting people to remember that I am out there and that they care.
That feeling though hasn’t gone away. I am still hoping people don’t remember I am here and that anything I do is but a dot in the ocean.
That lack of confidence is killing me. It is meaning I am struggling to write anything that is worth anyone’s time of day, stopping me wanting to get out and vlog, and the big one, I don’t really want to podcast.
Working it out over the last 2 and a half years, I have probably appeared in 150-200 podcast episodes across multiple show, but the way I am feeling at the moment I am not sure I really want to do any more.
I am feeling like I have never actually found my voice over all these episodes. That I am not loud and flamboyant enough to capture people’s attentions. That I am pretty much a News at 10 news reader.
I have tried multiple ways of changing it up but nothing ever seems to click.
I have relaunched the MKOW podcast kind of as a way to break that cycle. I am not sure what will become of it, but maybe it is my way of getting my voice heard above others, who are louder, brasher, more in your face, as mine is the sole voice that can be heard.
Whether it affords me the opportunities that I want, to afford me the chance to bring what I want to the table, I don’t know the answer yet. But boy, I am gonna keep trying.
One day it will either click, or I will continue as I am or I will just let it all go, but for now I can only keep trying to find my place in both the real world and in the digital world